Michael Jackson’s little sick note apparently didn’t work. The wacked out singer’s lawyer has confirmed that Jackson is now set to travel to London to appear in court and explain why he hasn’t paid back $7 million that Sheik Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa gave him during his child molestation trial.  Jackson had originally told the court that he was too sick to travel to the hearing.

The Sheik is claiming that he took Jackson in during his trial, and even gave him a $300,000 “brain guru”, wrote some songs for Jackson, and gave him a contract to make a new album, autobiography, and musical.

A musical about a dude who’s nose fell off?  Weird.  Even weirder, WTF is a brain guru?

Jackson’s claiming that he thought the money was a gift. He’ll get a decision about whether or not he’ll have to give the Sheik back all his money at the end of next month.

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Jennifer Garner who just filed a retraining order against Steven Burky, the weird stalker who’s been threatening her for years, has just received word that her restraining order will be made permanent.

Burky is now prohibited from going closer than 100 yards from Jennifer, Ben Affleck, Violet, their nanny, housekeeper, and other people that work for them.  He’s also now not allowed near Garner’s home, or Violet’s school.  Sucks for him.  Life’s tough for a stalker when he can’t go near his stalkee.

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Turns out, John McCain didn’t find the fountain of youth and suddenly start looking really young.  Sources are saying that the man kissing John’s wife Cindy in the grainy National Enquirer image was actually some used car salesman named Dino Castelli.

Sources are saying that Cindy has been seeing the guy for 3 years, and that John probably didn’t know anything about it. Well now I’m sure he does. The sources are saying that Cindy cooled her relationship in the past year with Dino because she found it too hard to sneak around the Secret Service that were always around during her husband’s campaign.  John McCain sure picks em good.

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Suge Knight is claiming in his Bankruptcy case that while he was in prison in 2005, he lost an earring.  TMZ brings up the fact that he’s also suing Kanye West, who he says stole his other diamond earring.  The cost of the rock? $135,000.

The more appropriate fill in the blank here is now “Suge Knight is filing for bankruptcy because _________”

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Balthazar Getty, who cheated on his wife to be with slutty Sienna Miller is now back together with her after Sienna decided she didn’t want him anymore.

Balthazar decided to go back to his second choice (and mother of his four kids) after Sienna dumped his ass last week because she was sick of him spending time with his family.

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Kerry Katona, mother of four is losing deals left and right. The former coke addict who recently filed for bankruptcy and lost her job writing for OK Magazine has now just learned that MTV has dropped her new reality show which was set to follow her music comeback in Nashville.

A source at MTV says,

Kerry is in no fit state to make a show. We have to wait and see how she fares in the immediate future. We want to see if she can start taking care of herself.

Kerry recently admitted that she was an alcoholic after appearing on British TV acting like her brain fell out her eyes.

Well at least Kerry’s husband can pay the bills till she gets back on her feet…. oh wait, he’s a cab driver. Welfare?

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Britney Spears admits in a new promo for her documentary that she made a mistake when she married grease monkey, K-Fed. And I’m guessing Brit’s first marriage was a mistake too. Maybe the third one will be better.

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Robert Pattinson, that really boring, greasy-looking dude with questionable personal hygene has just admitted to Seventeen Magazine that he’s a shitty kisser. When asked about his Twilight make-out scenes, he said,

I’m skirting the answer because I’m a really bad kisser. That’s why I don’t want to go into details!

Pattinson admitted that it had been a long time since he had kissed anyone before the movie, so he didn’t really remember how to do it.

Girls love this icky vampire because ___________.

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Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa, an Arab sheikh is suing Michael Jackson for $7 million after he claims that he helped Jackson out during his 2005 child molestation trial.

The sheikh claims that he gave Jackson financial support, paying for his transportation and living expenses, and even writing songs for him to try to resurrect his career. Now the guy is asking for his $$$ back. Jackson is insisting that the money was a gift, and that the agreement was based on “mistake, misrepresentation and undue influence.”

Jackson is now also refusing to make an appearance in court because his lawyer says he’s too sick to travel. Is it that damn nose falling off again?

A version of one of the songs that the sheikh claims he wrote will be played in court. You think it’s any good?

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Patrick Albanese, a hand model (for what?) is suing Martha Stewart because he lost a finger on some defective furniture put out by Martha’s company and Kmart.

Patrick claims he was moving a Martha Stewart Everyday lounge chair when its front legs broke, and chopped off his right index finger. The guy is also apparently a musician and a magician who does slight-of-hand tricks, so as you can see, without his finger, this dude is essentially useless.

Now he’s suing Martha for medical expenses, physical and mental pain and suffering, disfigurement, and loss of earning capacity.

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Britney Spears’ documentary “For The Record” airs in a couple weeks, but we’re already hearing quotes from the film, which show that Brit will probably fall off the rocker again sometime soon. She says a few things about her conservatorship which demonstrate that she’s probably pretty happy with the arrangement (NOT!). Brit says,

There’s no excitement, there’s no passion. I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail, y’know, there’s the time when you’re gonna get out.

I think it’s too in control. If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it’s like they hear but they’re really not listening. If you do something wrong in your work, you can move on, but I’m having to pay for a long time. I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free. I think I’ve learnt my lesson now and enough is enough.

Do you feel sad for Brit? Sniff…

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Remember a couple months ago when Heather Locklear got arrested during a crazy fun joy ride that included driving over a pair of Gucci sunglasses, finding her way to Oprah Winfrey’s house, and driving around the neighborhood with her car door open?

Well, now Heather Lock has just been formally charged for the offense. People magazine is reporting that she faces up to six months in jail, and will be arraigned on Jan. 26.

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Kanye says, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…

WHO’S WINNING, ME OR THE MEDIA?
REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH LIGHT I PUT OUT, THERE ARE PEOPLE WORKING JUST AS HARD TO ONLY DELIVER DARKNESS. IF YOU LISTEN TO MY MUSIC, HOW COULD I DELIVER SO MANY POSITIVE UPLIFTING MESSAGES AND BE THE MONSTER THAT THE MEDIA PAINTS. PAPARAZZI GIVE REAL PHOTOGRAPHERS A BAD NAME. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, THEIRS ARE WORTH A THOUSAND DOLLARS…

LET US NOT FORGET THE PAPS KILLED PRINCESS DIANA. WHEN WILL THERE BE A LAW PASSED THAT SIMPLY ENFORCES THAT SOMEONE HAS TO ASK TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU. THAT WOULD SEEM LIKE COMMON COURTESY. RIGHT NOW THE PAPS ARE ABOVE THE LAW AND THE PEOPLE THEY SHOOT ARE BELOW IT. WHAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL IS PICTURES TAKEN WITH THE INTENT TO SELL….LIKE DRUGS WITH THE INTENT TO SELL… OR CROSSING CUSTOMS WITH ENOUGH MERCHANDISE TO HAVE THE INTENT TO SELL. THE EXPLOITATION OF MY IMAGE IS THE PROBLEM. IT PRODUCES A “BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY” BEHAVIOR THAT CAUSE THE PAPS TO DRIVE RECKLESSLY ON FREEWAYS, JUMP OVER FENCES AND INVADE PRIVACY ALL IN AN EFFORT TO GET THAT “MONEY SHOT.” YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SELL A PICTURE OF ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. AFTER THIS LAW IS PASSED, WHEN YOU ENTER A PUBLIC PLACE LIKE A BASKETBALL ARENA ETC., THERE WILL BE A SIGN THAT READS…”ALL PHOTOS TAKEN HERE ARE PUBLIC DOMAIN AND CAN BE USED AT THE PHOTOGRAPHERS DISCRETION.” OBVIOUSLY RED CARPET EVENTS WHERE PEOPLE SHOW UP TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED WILL ALSO APPLY. THE PERSONAL PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THE PAPS IS WHEN THEY TRY TO CATCH YOU BEING A REGULAR PERSON. I AM NOT A CELEBRITY. I’M A NORMAL PERSON THAT’S JUST FAMOUS. I REFUSE TO SNEAK IN AND OUT OF BACK DOORS AND KITCHENS OF HOTELS ETC….

I AM PROTECTING MY PERSONAL SPACE SINCE THERE ARE NO LAWS TO PROTECT THAT FOR ME.

I PUT MY HAND UP TO THE CAMERA IN SELF DEFENSE!

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED…WHEN I LEFT THE CLUB, I WAS ENCOUNTERED BY A THIRSTY PAPARAZZI AS USUAL. HE FELT HE HAD MORE RIGHTS TO MY SPACE THAN ME, SO I PUT MY HAND UP TO PREVENT HIM FROM TAKING MY IMAGE. I DIDN’T ASSAULT HIM BUT MERELY PUTTING MY HAND UP TO COVER HIS LENS. MY SECURITY YELLED, “GET THE CAMERA OFF HIM.” I GUESS IN ALL THE COMMOTION THE CAMERA SCRAPED HIS NOSE.

THREE HOURS LATER I GET A KNOCK AT MY HOTEL DOOR. THERE WERE FIVE POLICE OFFICERS IN FRONT OF MY ROOM AND I HAD NO IDEA WHY. I HAD MY SECURITY GO SPEAK WITH THEM. THE COPS WERE VERY CORDIAL BUT TOLD ME THEY HAD TO ARREST ME BECAUSE A COMPLAINT WAS FILED. THAT WAS THE BOGUS PART. THEY PLACED ME IN HANDCUFFS AND DROVE ME TO THE STATION. THEY SPOKE ABOUT HOW THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY A PUBLICITY STUNT BY THE PHOTOGRAPHER BUT THEY STILL HAD TO GO THOUGH THE MOTIONS. WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL THERE WERE PAPARAZZI HANGING OVER THE BRIDGE ABOVE THE HOTEL TRYING TO GET A SHOT OF ME GETTING OUT THE POLICE VAN. EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T CHARGED, THE DAMAGE WAS DONE. SURE ENOUGH THE NEXT MORNING, PLASTERED ACROSS EVERY MEDIA OUTLET… KANYE GETS ARRESTED. IT DIDN’T MATTER THAT I WASN’T CHARGED OR THE FACT THAT I HADN’T ASSAULTED ANYONE. ALL THAT MATTERED WAS THAT I WAS ARRESTED.

SIDEBAR, THEY QUOTED ME AS SAYING…”GET THE CAMERA OFF HIM!” LIKE I WAS TALKING IN THIRD PERSON. HE TRIED TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON AND PEOPLE BELIEVED HIM. WHAT MERIT DOES THIS GUY HAVE THAT HE CAN SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ME AND PEOPLE TAKE IT AS LAW? THE FACT THAT HE COULD GET ME ARRESTED OFF A MERE COMPLAINT BUT I CAN’T ASK HIM TO STOP TAKING PICTURES OF ME IS VERY LOPSIDED.

WHO’S WINNING, ME OR THE MEDIA?

Who wants to secretly sneak into Kanye West’s computer for me and steal his caps lock button?

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Amy Winehouse surprised everyone on Saturday by spending her night playing guitar in her apartment instead of running around town drunk in a bra and stringy vest. Looks like someones becoming a little pussy. Come on Amy, bring the badassedness back.

The girl toned it down so much for the night, that she even refused to smuggle crack into rehab for Blake, who reportedly texted her from a rehab bathroom begging her to bring him a fix.

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Amy Winehouse crept out of her hole last night to find her husband Blake, who she must have forgotten is still in rehab.

She was seen banging on the door of her old apartment, screaming for her crackhead partner. The Mirror is reporting that witnesses saw Amy with sores on her face, clutching a bottle of vodka, running around the neighborhood screaming and,”signing autographs along the way.” LOL.

Blake is supposedly leaving rehab tomorrow, so hopefully last night’s incident will not be repeating itself.

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